The One Where I’m (still) Sad

Dear Me, 

How are you? I know I know the answer to that. You’ve been better. Your best friend just came into your room and asked what you were doing today and then said “I’m sorry you’re sad.” You knew, deep down somewhere, didn’t you? You knew you were sad, but you didn’t think you were that bad, not until she said that, because you hadn’t told her you were sad.

The thing is, it’s not an obvious sad. It’s not the kind of sad that makes you cry or feel alone. It’s the kind of sad that makes you tired, but also makes it hard to sleep. It’s the kind of sad that makes you not want to write down your goals in your planner. It’s the kind of sad that keeps you from eating properly or working out or focusing your energy productively, because you don’t have much energy in the first place. It’s that kind of sad.

It’s a sad you’ve felt before, only last time you could blame it on the weather. It was dark in Oslo, and icy, and you didn’t want to go outside. You weren’t getting enough vitamin D. Well, it may set early but the sun’s still shining here in Vancouver, so time to face the facts. I think I know why you’re sad: you’ve lost some fight.

Anxiety and stress have been shit, unfortunately. Such shit. You were trying so hard and constantly stressed about it, and feeling anxious over such little things, and it sucked. And then you got tired. You got tired of fighting it and just decided to calm down and do what you can. And I don’t think that’s all bad, I think sometimes we need a break from the fight, and I think you’re way too hard on yourself anyway. But this letting go of the fight isn’t doing you good anymore.

You can’t let go completely. You can calm down a bit, that’s fine, but you need to be working for more. You can be happy and have anxiety at the same time. You’ve started seeing a counselor for your anxiety, you go home in less than a month for a whole three weeks, and you have incredible friends and family who love you. There is no reason to not give yourself a fighting chance to get over this. Accepting a mental illness is one thing, but letting it control your life is another. You have anxiety, but letting it eat you up is not accepting it, it’s succumbing to it.

So you’re making little goals again. And you’re putting away the clean clothes that have been on the floor for two weeks now. And you’re going to work out again. And you’re going to eat well. Because you deserve to. You deserve a fighting chance.

I know it won’t be any easier this time than every other time I’ve written myself something like this in the past, but hey, it’s not about how many times you fall down, but how many you get back up, right?

I hope one day  I’ll be better at standing for long. 

Talk to you soon. x. 


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