The One Where I’m Starting to Crack

That’s an ironic title given the last post was about positivity.

I am struggling to stay positive. I need to follow some of my own advice. I just feel a lot of pressure right now about school. I’ve never tried this hard in school before. Ever. And that’s honestly really scary for me.

You see, I think rather highly of myself intellectually. My intelligence is the one thing I’ve always had self-confidence about. When I was younger it took minimal effort to get good grades. As I got older, I didn’t really know how to put in effort, so I told myself I was but was really procrastinating: if I didn’t do well, it couldn’t possibly be a negative reflection of my intellect that way, could it?

Well, I’m tired of subconsciously ruining my chances at excelling for the sake of not damaging my ego. I’m tired of achieving mediocre success. I’m trying so hard to make my fourth and final year make up for all of those C’s in the last three years. And it’s really scary.

I didn’t even get a job this year, I’m spending all of my time on school, my health, and writing experience, and crossing my fingers that my finances will work out.

This week is the first week I’m really feeling the pressure. I have five assignments, one being an essay, and a quiz, and the looming pressure of a midterm and discussion moderation next week. The essay is due Friday and so far all I have is a rough outline, and I still have two assignments to do, and I’m freaking out. I’m so scared that all of the effort I’m putting in will result in the same mediocre grades. Maybe I was subconsciously putting in minimal effort before because I knew this would happen, I knew I wasn’t considered that smart anymore.

That’s dumb though. I’m being dumb, I know that. I’m going to be fine if I just buckle down and apply myself, and really freaking out like this is only going to make my chances of doing well worse.

Of course this is hard, it’s good that it’s hard. It’s good that for once I’m applying myself and trying. Usually when things scare you, it means that they matter. They’re important. You actually want it and it’s going to make your life better. This work is going to make my life better, I just have to do it.

I’m not sure why you would’ve read till the end, this really was just like a little pep talk/self-therapy session, but if you did I hope you’re doing well and managing to stay positive about your own struggles in life. Nothing’s ever impossible. x.




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