I have a monster inside of my chest.
There, I said it. A monster. Some days it feels like a lion, some days a dragon, some days just pure fire. It changes form but it never leaves, because my body is its cage.
Yes, that’s right, there is a monster in my chest and my body is its cage. It’s fine most of the time, not too troublesome as long as I’m working hard, but once I start to slack off it tries to claw its way out of me, and be a stronger, faster, harder-working entity and achieve much more than I am in that moment.
Yes, my monster is my drive. It is what pushes me forward each day in life, be it for fitness or career goals, because I am scared that if I fail it will eat me from the inside out. It’s all fine and well because I am proud to have such a creature living inside of me, proud that I have such motivation to be the best that I can be, but it can make things rather difficult when I need a break.
Yes, I need breaks sometimes. You of all people will know as I have documented many times on this blog how I have struggled just in the past few months with anxiety and environmental depression, and while I try not to let them get the best of me, they certainly have had their moments that have left me feeling rather useless for a week or so, spending my days hiding in my room, surfing the internet and eating junk food because I feel weak.
No, the monster does not like it when I am weak. It can sense it and attempts to break out of its prison and I am left with a battle raging inside of me between the monster in my chest and the rest of me that just cannot handle getting back into living a productive life yet. It makes me feel…horrible. Because suddenly it seems I have done nothing and I am weak. And I hate feeling weak.
I have a monster inside of my chest. I don’t know when it got there, it seems to be my oldest friend. It preys on me when I am weak but it also makes me stronger. I don’t think it will ever be entirely happy, but as long as I am working towards something, accomplishing something, I can keep it content, keep it at bay.
I have a monster inside of my chest, and while it may hurt at times, I would have it no other way.
3 thoughts on “Letters From Exchange: The One Where I Have a Monster Inside of My Chest”
We all that monster in varying degrees… I’ve calmed mine down for the time being by letting it know in no uncertain terms that I need to take it easy right now, to do better in the future. That I am laying a base, which is quiet and invisible work. A few attempts at meditation also helped.
Stay strong, stay open, stay calm, you will achieve your dreams.
Sorry I didn’t reply to this sooner! (I blame traveling for making me forgetful.) Thank you for your kind words, it’s nice to have someone else say they have a monster of their own. I’m not too worried, sometimes it feels quite overbearing, but most of the time we’re friends. I’d rather be driven than not. Meditation does sound like a good idea though 🙂
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That’s a lovely thought, being friends with one’s monster! 🙂
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