I feel like crying today.
I went to bed late, woke up late, and almost cried as I ran late to work. Not because I was late, but because I was going to work.
I don’t feel like that every day, but I do more and more lately. I really enjoy what I do while I’m doing it – I like my students, my coworkers, and the idea that I’m helping people, but for some reason I just can’t get over this feeling that I need to cry because of work.
Honestly, I think it’s exhaustion. As an introvert, it’s pretty difficult for me to stand in front of 20+ students and keep them engaged for five hours every day, and I teach over 500 students in a week. I only see each class once a week for a single period. This means that I know so many students, because I do, if not all their names, at least know all of their personalities. It also means that I’m regularly jumping around all of that information, as well as my various lesson plans I teach across four grades with four different coteachers, in my brain.
It’s a lot. I’m exhausted. And I want to cry.
I watched Notting Hill the other day on a whim, and I honestly feel as though my life was changed. I had seen it before, but I don’t know that I’d ever properly sat down and watched it all the way through. After looking at London real estate and finding my dream home in Notting Hill, I decided to watch it that night because why not, and it made me feel some things I haven’t felt in a while. The ending isn’t sad, and I never cried while watching it, yet for some reason it left this sense of melancholy over me.
I think I might be depressed.
It’s okay, that happens. I get depressed sometimes, and I get over it. I was depressed during the fall and before I went to California last month, and though that was a nice distraction, it certainly wasn’t going to cure me of all my dark twisty feelings. It just kind of made me forget them for a second, but they’re definitely still there.
I wanted to write about something else today, but I just couldn’t get myself to, because I’ve been so focused on needing to cry. I didn’t feel this for the last week that I’ve been home, but today it won’t go away. All I can think of as I sit at my desk at work writing this is how much I can’t wait to go home.
I didn’t sleep enough last night. Going back to what I said about how exhausting my job is for me, I really do need to sleep about 8 hours a night, 7 at least. I slept about 7 hours last night and 6 the night before last. I woke up late today and never got over the funk that that’s put me in.
I’m so tired I feel like I could sleep for two weeks straight.
This is what depression looks like, by the way. It’s not always a big dramatic ordeal; sometimes it’s just being exhausted all of the time; sometimes it’s being irritable and feeling the need to cry. It’s fine. It’s perfectly normal.
I’m sorry, I’d like to wrap this up more, to give it some sort of grander message or contribute to the discussion of ways to handle depression, but all I can say is that it’s all about understanding that there’s nothing wrong with you when you’re depressed, forgiving yourself for being unable to do the things you’d like to while you feel this way, and making the small changes you’re able to that will help you over time.
I can’t really form a more meaningful or coherent thought than that at the moment.
I hope you’re doing well.