The One Where I’m Trying

I fell on my butt last week, I’ll admit it. 

I didn’t want this to be my Wednesday post. I had a much better Wednesday post planned than the word vomit that is this introspective series, but unfortunately I stumbled a bit today, too, and I couldn’t do it. I’ll get that up another day, it’s not a big deal, but I didn’t want to go to bed tonight without posting anything, because I swear I’m really trying. 

I’m trying to pick up the pieces again. It was only two weeks that I was struggling that much but I essentially dropped everything in those two weeks, and it’s surprisingly difficult to just go back to doing everything. But I can do it, I’m strong. I can. And one of those things is blogging three times a week – Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (or sometime on the weekend). I couldn’t just drop that on the first week I’m trying to be better because it’s 9:35pm and I have a headache and a lot of homework to do and had a minor anxiety attack earlier. 

You see, this matters to me. When I stress out to my best friend and I mention blogging or making a video in my list of things to do she laughs, because why am I doing these things if I’m stressed and low on time? Why am I spending time and energy on something that’s so trivial?

It matters. I want to be a writer. I want to get to a place where I feel comfortable saying I am a writer, and not just some girl playing pretend because she doesn’t want a real job. I love creating and I love connecting with people and I spend so much time on the couch when I’m down, watching tv, thinking ‘I want to make stories and characters that connect with people like this. I want someone to care about my characters the way I care about Christina Yang.’

And then I wonder if I’ll ever be that good, because really how do you know? Did Shonda Rhimes just wake up one day knowing she would create brilliant (subjective, I know) television shows? When JK Rowling was writing the first Harry Potter book on napkins and spending her time plotting out this elaborate world even though she was broke, did she ever think she was crazy and wasting her time? Is there a point when I’ll know? Because I thought I knew a while back but now that I know what I want to be I’m constantly scared of being a fraud and I can’t just take a year of my life to write a novel when I have student loans to pay off.

And so I blog. And I make videos. Because I’m scared, but I’m trying, and blogging three times a week, and making a video once a week, it connects with people, and even if it’s not building elaborate plots or beautifully flawed characters, it is writing, it is building in some way a piece of content for someone else to connect with. 

I don’t expect this to be the piece that changes your life, but I hope you have those, because they are so worth your time. 

I hope I make something that’s worth someone’s time. I hope I can connect with someone. x.


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