The One Where I’m Anxious

Anxiety is new for me. I’ve only had it for about a year now, and it’s like not being able to do things you used to as easily. I don’t get panic attacks, I just…get tired and anxious and uncomfortable and need to be alone in a secure place.

This trip should have been easy for me, but it’s not. I’m in Carson, the place I’ve been the most on trips, where I always come to visit family once or twice a year, and I feel like crying. I’m exhausted. So so exhausted. My immediate family is tense and stressed and falling apart, and I’m sharing a room with one of the biggest causes of that. I’m never alone.

My extended family is a godsend. They are so so lovely, and I’m incredibly happy I’ve gotten to come see them. I love them.

I just need to be alone sometime. Alone and secure. Even the drive, which we’ve made more times than I can count, made me anxious because it always makes me car sick.

I tell people my biggest fear in life is settling for anything. That’s true, but it wasn’t always. For the longest time my biggest fear was of being weak. The only reason that’s changed is that now I feel weak so often.

I know it’s a dumb way to think, but it’s how I’ve lived my entire life, and even if I’m getting used to my anxiety and insecurities I still absolutely hate this feeling that I am weak.

It’s not something I can help, it’s not my choice, but it won’t be my downfall either. I just have to remember that.
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