Smoke, Fog, and Haze

I don’t know if I want to get married.

I’ve questioned it for a while now, and I really don’t know.

I don’t know if I want a partner like that, a person to share my life with. Does that make me a monster?

I can see myself in one, five, ten years from now. I know what my job will be, how I will look, where I will live, what my house will look like. I have no idea if I will have a person. I have no idea if I want to.

The future has always been clear for me – clearer even than the present, and far clearer than the past. But this I cannot make clear; this I cannot see.

To have a person to hold me and love me and care for me sounds incredible, but those images are just theoretical. When approached by the prospect to make something happen, I find that there’s no interest left for me to want in. Any I have in the idea of relationships all disappears.

I am a difficult woman. I take myself way too seriously. I need time to pursue my many endeavours. My schedule doesn’t have time for dating I am the only person I can rely on. I have many excuses, choose one, I always do.

I will be just fine on my own. This I know. And this is why I don’t know.

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